Finding Yourself in the Crowd
The big question: How can I find out who I am in a crowded world?
Simple: We can’t.
Before we tumble into the well of despair, the idea of finding our true self on our own is like trying to make sense of a door without a building. As with many parts of nature we as people are an intrinsically interconnected species. As a door only makes sense when we see it in a building, we only make sense when we are part of a community.
I would argue that the only way to discover your true self is in the context of community. By community this can be anything from friends, a club, a gym, a workplace, and so on.
Ben Ainslie.
After the mountains my big love is the sea. Ben Ainslie is one of my heros. His haul of Olympic Medals gained from the single-handed Finn class sailing dinghies is legendary. He was rightfully awarded a knighthood.
Sir Ben started sailing at the age of eight and entered his first competition at the age of ten. How important do you think that his parents, Roddy and Sue, were in that journey? His Dad used to take him out on the water from the age of three (The Times, Relative Values 25 jan 2009) and is noted as ‘inspirational’ in his life. They bought him his own boat at eight and registered him a local sailing club. The club guided him on and up his way into competitions. I could go on about his friends, his coach, his teammates, and of course his wife and daughter. All of these people and many more have shaped who he is and how he operates. If his parents hadn’t started him out he would never have won a single medal. If his parents had said, ‘Son, we’re moving to the Alps to live,’ for sure he might have excelled in skiing but winning golds for sailing? Sir Ben’s life only makes sense in the community he grew and developed in.
Here’s the Rub.
Imagine if the community where he was nurtured, was very negative. His love of water was squashed, he was discouraged from ever doing anything, he had to get a job as his family were penniless etc etc. He would never have won those competitions.
So back to real life and us (most of whom have no Olympic medals to their name).
The Body
A tent manufacturer from Turkey called Pavlus (yes, I know a surprising source!) talks of the early Christian community like a body. I like that picture. Yes of course it’s the prominent features of a body that get most mention. The hairstyle, brain power, muscle formation, eyes etc, but the body cannot function without a heart, a liver, a nervous system and so on. Come on when did you last hear of some saying, ‘Wow! Cool nervous system!’ (I guess there may be a geeky doctor somewhere?).
When the body functions well the individual parts can flourish. Sir Ben flourished because the ‘body’ he was in brought out the best in him. I daresay the rest of his ‘body’ has flourished as well, though they’ll get little mention save from down the local pub.
Let’s have a look at two questions:
Question 1. Who is your community? which leads to -
how do I operate within it? what is my part in this body? Am I flourishing in it?
Question 2. What do you contribute to those in your community?
Are you a help or a hindrance? Do you help your ‘body’ to flourish?
Question 1. Who is your community?
Not many of us are meant to be a Ben Ainsley. I remember the sorrow as a 14-year-old realising that it was already too late to become a Wimbledon champion. Not getting the ball back over the net and frequently sending it into the surrounding park was a clue. Now I know, I was never meant to be one. Indeed, my prowess in the sporting field has encouraged me to find my part in the ‘body’ elsewhere. It is true I still enjoy being first down the ski slope (a rare occurance now) but this is not where I fit in the ‘body’ that is my community.
My ‘body’ is a group of friends and people from all parts of life. I’ve tried to keep people in my ‘body’ you don’t see things as I do. I’ve tried to keep a mixture of all ages (grandchildren are very helpful in this project). I’ve also found a balance of cultures very helpful. As a writer a wide ranging ‘body’ is essential.
Make sure you’re in a good body. A body that allows the people in it to flourish. Whether a family, a church, a circle of friends it will mean you prosper. Keep growing it with fresh people and particularly make sure you value the less obvious parts of your community, you know the ‘appendix’ sort of person where you wonder why they are in your life.
How can you tell? It’s actually easier than you think. My hero, the carpenter from Galilee, said, when talking about people who say and do weird and wonderful things, ‘by their fruit you will know them.’ Have a look at the people in your community and see what grows around them. In a good community you should find a mixture of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Of course we’re not perfect beings and all communities go through difficult times.
Watch out for people who break agreements, who are jealous, divisive, gossipers, have no integrity, they try to achieve goals by cheating, or are devoted to their own pleasure.
Yes and if that’s a description of you then you might need some help!
Question 2. What do you contribute to those in your community?
Are you a help or a hindrance? Do you help your ‘body’ to flourish?
Sir Ben Ainsley’s haul of Olympic medals, rather than a salute to individualism is a testimony to how well a community can work. The aim for all those involved was to get Sir Ben to the top of his game and, boy, they succeeded.
What is your role in the community. Are you the eyes? -someone who sees things. Are you the muscle? -the person who can get things done. Maybe you’re the big toe, without which the body finds it hard to balance. Whoever you are make sure you are giving in as well as taking out.
How do you know? How can you make a real assessement of your part? Well go back to the carpenter’s comment, ‘by their fruit you shall know them.’ What happens to the people who spend time with you? What do you leave in your wake? If you’re not sure, maybe don’t ask your Mum this one. Ask someone you trust, or listen to what people say around you.
Don’t Look in Look Out
Our purpose, meaning, even motivation can never be realised by looking within, by focusing just on our personal ‘dreams.’ A door might realise it is a door, but how can it know what that means unless it is part of a larger structure? More, what use is a door standing by itself. How often I’ve seen the doors of this life trying to search for their meaning, some even going off alone to try to discover it. They’ll only really discover what type of door they are once in a community. And in case you think that’s demeaning, imagine a house without a door!
I’ve long resigned myself to the fact I’m not going to be a Sir Ben Ainsley but I have learnt to get really excited by the idea of being part of a community that achieves together.
Recognise your need to give and receive as a vital part of self determination
Check your relationships. Make sure you’re part of a good community. Don’t be afraid to walk away from ones that are negative or destructive.
Learn about your role from how others perceive it. What fruit do they see.
